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This week a friend offered to help me get a vaccination appointment. I’m not really eligible yet but could probably “get away with it”. I ultimately said I would do it as long as I didn’t have to lie to anyone. Nothing has happened yet. In the meantime I also pre-registered at my local mass vaccination sites, country site, DC site, and signed up to be “notified” when dependents are eligible. I’ve also been leaning into my status as a former smoker. I find it kind of hilarious and ironic that the history I used to be so ashamed of might save my life.
March 27, 2021
I get so angry when I see others not wearing their mask when I’m trying to walk with my baby in the stroller. They are usually joggers....the can easily go around but they come straight at us and it’s infuriating. Sometimes I feel like yelling at them but I never do. All this pent up anger builds up and builds up and I have no release. We are very isolated because we want to protect our baby and taking quick walks around my neighborhood is one of the only outings we get. I just want this nightmare to be over already. I wish I could go to bed one night and just wake up to a pandemic-free world. I fear that will never happen. I fear this is a new reality and my baby never had the chance to experience the “old” pandemic free world and possibly never will.
March 27, 2021
Some days I feel like humanity has taken a turn for the worst. Spring breakers are in the city and they are wreaking havoc. There have been thousands of arrests and hundreds of weapons seized. The mayor had no choice but to declare a state of emergency and implement a city-wide curfew. This is not normal. ...
March 27, 2021
When I got my reminder for journaling this week, I ignored it at first. I was really angry at not being able to get a vaccine appointment. But then this week, I did work that met enthusiastic approval from folks often hard to please AND: I decided to try to repair this lamp. The switch was going bad for some time and then one day I couldn't turn the lamp on. I love this lamp, it's on the dresser in my bedroom. I found it at one of those discount home goods stores a few years ago, so it's one of a kind. I watched some videos online, then I walked over to the hardware store and bought a new socket. I got out some tools and replaced the socket and voilá, it works! What a sense of efficacy and overcoming doubt. And I just got back from getting dose one. So a really good week. (And it's spring!!!!)
March 27, 2021
I have worried about a few people that I know for whom the pandemic has rendered without food and in danger of homelessness. By making donations of the government stimulus checks I have helped a couple of people. At times as a single mother I have been short on spending money, but I’ve never personally been without food or a home. I hope that more people come out of this wanting to recover from debt and with the control to actually start emergency funding for their families. My philosophy has always been to save first and then spend what is left. In that way there is always a little nest egg for the chance of disaster like this. I don’t know what is recommended today, but I’ve always thought that there should be enough in savings to live without income for a few months. I wish that people would see security in their own solvency even if the savings are only five bucks out of each pay check.
March 27, 2021
Yes and no. My relationship with my SO is fine. We've had a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected when you're in quarrantine with one other person. I also feel closer to family and friends, most of whom I haven't seen in well over a year. My biggest worry is that as an artist, I feel unable to create anything. When the lockdown began I had visions of unlimited time to try new art media and learn new skills. That didn't happen. I am really worried that my creativity may never return. It's a terrifying thought.
March 27, 2021
There has not been much of an effect on my life this week. One of my kid’s friends was exposed to COVID-19 and has spent the last two weeks in quarantine. More people I know and care about are getting vaccinated. Mostly it is just a holding pattern - waiting for my turn to be vaccinated. Waiting to find out when my office will open up. Waiting to find out when it will be safe to take my mask off in the drive-through. I have not been sleeping well the past couple of weeks.
March 27, 2021
We became inseparable in an AP world history class my junior year of high school. We were so enthusiastic and happy together, our teacher acknowledged us as his favorite students on the last day of school that year. We had known each other since we were in sixth grade, both students in a children's choir at a local conservatory, but we didn't become friends until that class. I felt like I could be 100% organically myself with her. I could be loud and weird, and instead of judging me, she would join me. We were referred to as the two old lady friends, and frankly we both thought that we would eventually become that. She and I both shared a similar broken household. On the surface, we both repressed it, but on a deeper level we didn't handle it the same. Being sent home for the remainder of the semester seemed like hell for the both of us. She also doesn't like texting. I worked on myself while at home. I shut my door and worked on both my mental and physical health, and emerged with a different attitude towards life. She remained radio silent on my end. Towards the end of April, we both knew that we had gotten into our top school, and for us, our top school was the same. When I read the text that she didn't want me to go to this school, it felt as if a part of me died. My person, the human whom I loved and shared so many happy memories with, didn't want me to go to the same school as her, even though she knew that it was also my top school. I tried to rationalize it, but it still burned my soul. Later on she apologized and we talked about it, but a part of me knew that the scar would always be there. She still doesn't text as much and I miss my friend. I know that she was reacting in such a way due to her environment, as I was also familiar with the hate and pain caused by my environment, often deflecting it towards myself, but even so, it felt like a break up. Anyways, I miss her and I hope that we can soon be old ladies making CVS runs and eating ice cream in her car again soon.
March 27, 2021
I have harassed maskless people I encounter, sometimes I lose my temper and verbally assault them. I have been sheltering in place for just about a year. I go out once a day for a walk, usually at midnight when the back streets have quieted down and I can avoid most people. Sometimes I feel like the ghost of COVID haunting the empty streets. Sometimes if it's a warm sunny day (I live in West Hollywood, in California), I will take my walk. I often see maskless, younger people. I try to disregard them but there are moments when a well of anger bursts up from deep inside and I yell at them. Sometimes I even wave my cane at them in a threatening way. I want to beat the shit out of them. Then I remember I am 69 years old and that I need to calm down and go back home or someone will beat the shit out of me. Where is all this anger coming from? Likely because I have so many comorbidities -Yikes, I hate that word- I have to stay inside all day and have everything delivered. Likely because two of my best friends have died of Covid, one in Miami, a Trumper, who on his deathbed insisted that there is no such disease and that Covid is a conspiracy between the lamestream press and the democrats. His name was M., an intimate lifelong friend I have known since I was a teenager. At home, the anger passes. I lift weights, I work on the book I am writing, watch Netflix and cook good food...waiting for the vaccine. - P., West Hollywood, California
March 27, 2021
My husband is more ready to move on and get out in crowds. I am not so we have many disagreements. He says why did I bother getting the vaccine if I am going to be so hesitant. I think we should still be cautious.
March 27, 2021
This is a picture of the whiteboard on our fridge this week. We started the whiteboard when trying to problem solve a conflict after couples therapy a few years ago. I need things to be out where I can see them so I don't forget, and my wife wants everything put away. So we compromised with putting things to remember on the whiteboard instead of having piles or pieces of paper lying around. Over the years it's morphed into a place we put notes for each other and appointments so we know what's going on in each others lives. This week seemed so quintessentially of this time with COVID tests, vaccines, and Zoom meetings. We're both vaccinated now and for once in a long time, we both had more than 5 days off in a row, so we decided to get tested and do a small trip to Hawaii. It's really starting to feel like the end now. I know we still have a long way to go but now almost everyone I know has been able to get the first dose and we're all counting down to "hug day" - the two week day after the second vaccine where we can actually hug each other again. It's a hopeful time. I still see the numbers each day in the NYTimes and can't believe how many people are still dying. It's such a surreal feeling when the end seems so close. Hoping this summer the numbers will be double digits and the white board will look a little different. Looking forward to seeing everyone again, but hoping we can preserve some of the good things from this year - slowing down, appreciating things, and checking in and caring about other people.
March 27, 2021
I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and my parents live 500 miles away in San Diego. I haven't seen them since last February. Next weekend we are going to Southern California for spring break and I am so eager to see them! The CDC says that it's safe for us to be together in the same household, and even though travel isn't recommended, we are driving and only plan to stop to use the restroom and get gas so it feels pretty safe. I've started collecting the things I want to take with me, and pulled out our zoo membership cards earlier today to book appointments for our visit. It's one of my favorite places and imagining myself walking the beautiful grounds and visiting the elephants made me teary. I can't believe that some "before" things are coming soon.
March 28, 2021
I actually prefer my work since the pandemic started. I am better able to concentrate on what I am doing when there are only a few other people in the office. I have my own work station and my own chair instead of always wondering where I will be sitting and frantically looking for a chair that is in good shape that someone else hasn't taken already. It is easier to talk to supervisors over the computer (a system they set up when most people chose to work at home). At work, I am not looking forward to getting back to normal.
March 28, 2021
I feel disconnected from myself and the world around me. This evening feels almost exactly the same as yesterday. Time seems to be moving fast as soon as the sun goes down, and not in a figurative way, but literally. I don't feel like myself, and I don't feel good. I'm fine in the morning and I have a lot of motivation then, but somewhere in the afternoon I slip and fall into a weird state. I don't feel present, I have a tiny headache right now (probably from eating too much sugar) but I just don't feel right and I don't feel like me. I've become disconnected from my happiness, and being in classes where the material is mostly serious and there's not much room for jokes or laughter doesn't help.
March 28, 2021
Let me tell you about something I missed, but I didn't realize I missed. It's a warm day, and the hot sun is beating down onto you and the outside table. The chips you're eating have that special taste that only comes in the summer, when the bag is heated by the sun and they taste oilier than normal. You're back inside, and you open the windows to let the warm breeze in. The sun sets, and it's still warm and humid outside. Although the cool of night is slowly setting in, you stand outside to feel the moist, warm breeze lifting your entire being, surrounding you with a feeling of calm, gratefulness, and serenity. I forgot about all of those feelings until a few days ago, when we had a heat spell. The wind was warm, the outside was hot, and in the evening I felt that cool yet warm post-sunset breeze blowing through my hair. It's like those memories were locked away, only to be brought out again by the changing of the seasons. I never realized how those feelings were put away or how much I missed those feelings until I actually felt the breeze and the heat on my body. Now that the heat had temporarily ceded in favor of cooler, more humid days, I'm getting memories of Easter and going Easter egg hunting.
March 28, 2021
I'm still really bitter about not being able to get the vaccine. I've seen so many friends and now coworkers get the vaccine. I get that there are different rollout plans in different areas, so I might be eligible for a vaccine in one state but not here. I also have not waited around a grocery store or vaccination site. But, I'm so frustrated by how many people around me have gotten it just by chance or good circumstances. Many rightfully deserve it, but I go into the office and feel like I've paid my dues of social distancing and keeping to myself. Don't I deserve the added level of protection that other healthy 30-year-olds can get? I try to be happy for people posting online that they've gotten a vaccine. I do very much support everyone getting it, but I can't help the jealousy I get, feeling like I'm still so naked and susceptible to this virus that could mildly affect us or could kill us. I have a list of things I want to start doing once I get vaccinated and leave enough time for it to build up my immunity. I feel like I"m doing the smart, considerate thing by not rushing to go to the gym or all the different doctors appointments or go shopping or get a massage. But, all these other people can. I can, in theory, but I'm trying to minimize my risks. I just feel so left out and so many people's lives are "returning to some semblance of normalcy" but I don't feel like that veil or pandemic life is lifting for me yet and there's supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but I have no justification it's there for me yet.
March 28, 2021
I watch my friends and family in other countries going out. They go to the store. They go to each other's homes. They go on airplanes. I am jealous and I am scared. I am also thinking that this will be my second passover through all of this. In some ways it is calmer. No one around me is hording food or toilet paper. Shops are not about to be closed. Shelves are full. But at least here in the UK, it is still illegal for us to go to family for the seders. It is illegal for us to have guests for meals. It doesn't feel safe to walk into the major Kosher shops. My husband and I will be using Zoom again to be with his family. This time his father will be with his aunt and uncle, and we will Zoom in. In all other times I would never think about connecting with others virtually on a holiday - but it is the only way and it means a lot for my husband's father. So I am being more lenient with my observance. I guess this might be the only forum that I would feel comfortable saying that this is what I am doing AND I even feel comfortable doing it. It goes against all of my learning and religious background, but I can't imagine any other option. Now back to cleaning for Passover and work.
March 28, 2021
One year later give and take, and things are opening up. Each friend or family who gets a shot is a sign of hope, like the crocus in the dead leaves. Yesterday I ate in public with the family in the city (outside, sunny sidewalk away from passerbys). It was disconcerting but also felt so good to be out and see so many people. It was after an errand, signing papers in a lawyer's hallway, windows open to the spring, the lawyer's dog occupying the kids. We refinanced houses with low rates, courtesy of pandemic. I find myself feeling loss for what I might have done differently this past year, personal development wise. But then I hear myself say that we survived it, both physically and in so many other ways. And many others didn't. Isn't that enough? And what will I miss of this time? I don't want to race ahead. But I don't want to delay the opening for so many who need it more than me. Lots of questions: Will I be more lonely when this is over? Is it possible I am more religious now with church closed? What is next?
March 28, 2021
In November 2020, I did something new - I voted for Joe Biden for President. To be clear, I had never intended to vote for him. Raised by Republican parents, as time progressed, I moved predominately to the center. In the 2016 election, I voted independent and fully intended to repeat that in 2020. But the days before the election, I grew overwhelmingly disgusted with both political parties. If you had mentioned any of the following words - "Supreme Court replacement, Mitch McConnell, Donald Trump, fake news, mail in ballots, stimulus" - it triggered me. I started January incredibly interested in the political process but ended October just relieved that it was nearly over. Overall, I felt that the coronavirus reinforced my belief that politicians don't care about the common man or woman. For example, last year, they forced all these businesses to close but had no plan on how to compensate those businesses. We allowed politicians to determine what businesses qualified as "essential" and that irked me. I don't like government overreaching and deciding what businesses can be open or not open. I also couldn't understand how we could only pass one stimulus plan before December 2020. Although I was not personally affected, my heart went out to all the people I know in the service industry who couldn't find another job. I guess, the coronavirus made me more disgusted than ever with the political process. Despite that, when it came time to vote, I decided that I would rather return to the status quo than continue on our current trajectory. I felt that although I have benefited financially during the pandemic, I was okay with paying more in taxes to help others who have been less fortunate.
March 29, 2021
Lately, I've been reminded of home more and more. I was not able to go home to Senegal during the quarantine last summer, so I haven't been home for two years now. Last week there were instances where I was reminded of that fact, be it because of something I saw on TV or through a conversation with a friend. I often think about what it is about home that I miss, and although I really miss the food, I've come to understand that I miss two things the most: Firstly, my family, because of the comfort and love at home. Secondly, I miss the adhan (Islamic call to prayer) because of the security and peace of living in a Muslim nation surrounded by my brothers and sisters in faith.
March 29, 2021