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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
I was extremely depressed and overwhelmed this week. Whatever patience, understanding, and generosity people had for the circumstances of the pandemic seems to have completely evaporated, even though we're still months out from going back to "normal." I guess it's not unlike grieving a lost loved one, and the hardest time is after people are no longer being gentle with you, but you're not actually over the loss yet. That happens a lot with trauma. And I'm embarrassed and ashamed that the pandemic hasn't hit me as hard as it's hit other people, but I'm really not over how upended my daily life has been for the past year. But everyone around me seems to be back to normal productivity. So what's wrong with me? I hate feeling "weak," that I'm not even close to the level of "okay" that everyone around me seems to be. I do Irish step dancing as a hobby, and even though it's just a hobby, I miss it terribly. I have not been in a studio in nearly a year. Over the summer I did a few outdoor classes, but other than that, it's just been Zoom classes in my tiny living room all year long. Our instructor is having classes in the studio within the legal restrictions, but it seems like a colossally stupid risk to take. Almost everyone involved in the studio, instructor included, are the type of conservatives that believe QAnon conspiracy theories, think COVID is overblown, and vaccines are dangerous. I know they judge me for being a weak, cowardly sheep for refusing to go back to the studio. I went to one outdoor performance in September after assurance that it was safe, but it wasn't. The venue was way over legal capacity for our state at that time, no one wore masks, and many of the parents openly ridiculed people who were. I don't know why I don't just quit. Before COVID, I simply made my disagreement on politics respectfully known and I loved Irish dance enough to put up with it. I never imagined that those political differences would actually pose a genuine physical safety risk. I really shouldn't be giving a penny to a dance school that's been so reckless with the health and safety of dancers. But Irish dance means a lot to me, and I think it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that it's time to part with this studio. The fact that I haven't quit on principle is what truly makes me weak and cowardly, not the fact that I refuse to go to the studio. Underlying all of that is processing that it will be the *second* St. Patrick's Day with no live performances, no dancing with other people, no singing with other people, no drinking with other people. St. Patrick's Day 2019 I taught some of the younger dancers the claps that go along with Whiskey in the Jar as we watched a band play before we went on. I always make soda bread for my friends. I always do two batches, one regular batch, and one batch with an extra egg in the recipe and raisins replaced with chocolate chips. Nobody taught me that, it was just a random thing I started doing in college and it sort of just stuck. Last year, everything was too swift and novel to really processes the loss. This year, it's almost worse, knowing for a fact that it's just not going to happen.
February 8, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
5 Feb 2021. TIME FOR REFLECTION The Friday Morning Seminar today was high energy, three wonderful presentations, one on comparative experiences in Quebec (both with British Colombia and with the U.S.), one on behavior with masks and the messages written on masks; and one on this journaling project and the challenges of collective ethnographic in this mode as well as future challenges of archiving and analyzing. The Quebec case, told in a TED talk style, using the "we" to diffuse some of the blaming of individuals although the Premier Legault came in for some scrutiny, especially when he replaced a health minister with public health experience with a businessman with no public health experience; his attack on the press (especially an experienced health reporter, Aaron Deful. Editorial cartoons helped make a number of points about Quebec's "exceptionalist" ideology, and the "aesthetics of statistics", that is the way in which statistics are used politically but are themselves often not transparent. The blame game has some traction, until one begins to see stark parallels with other places, particularly the U.S. (exceptionalism albeit on different grounds, efforts to control the statistics and narrative, attack on journalists, attacks on Asians; and explosion of cases, and staff burnout, before they are finally brought under control). The contrast with B.C. is stark: BC did much better in controlling the pandemic, while Quebec's death rate per capita exploded in June to the fifth highest in the world. Yet, amazingly enough, the rate now has been brought down to that of Vermont, one of the lowest. Some of this had to do with nursing logistics for long term care facilities: in the beginning nurses were going from facility to facility carrying the infection along with them; eventually there was a mandate of being allowed to work only one facility and the army was called in to help. Another key failure was ignoring the immigrant and racialized communities of North Montreal (with no plan in place), exacerbated by the lack of collecting data in these communities. Instead the province relied on a "zone-linked" alert system. Some of all of this, as in the US has to do with decaying public health care (even though it is Canada with universal health care): budgets for decades have been balanced by cutting budgets for health, leading to shortages of health care workers. Eventually lockdown and curfew (8pm-5am), closing of restaurants and bars, mask mandates (as well as the border), and other controls, the rates of infection have gone down. Suggestion that one think about pandemics as redistribution of crises. (E.g. putting off of surgeries, including oncology.) The talk on masks by a hospital nurse (and PhD anthropologist!) was fascinating in two major ways: first, for the slogans and images with which people customize their mask, and second, because she does screening of patients, her efforts to gently figure out psychological or cultural nudges to get people to take pride in wearing their masks. The first includes political slogans, including the wonderful contradiction of wearing a mask that says "Jesus is my protector, Trump is my president" although not wearing masks has become a pro-Trump statement. Still by saying "I like your mask", the patient straightened up with pleasure and might wear the mask to propagate his cultural identification. The most poignant of the masques was a picture of the wearer's mother and her dates of birth and death. When she commented on his mask, he too straightened with pleasure, and explained that it was a tribute to his mother, a wonderful woman, who died of COVID, and he liked talking about her, and keeping her memory alive. Others were emblazoned with sports teams symbols (Baltimore Ravens, Star of the Texas Cowboys) or the treads of the Marines combat boots and saying that he had fought in Vietnam and now he would fight COVID> The talk on the Journaling Project generated a good deal of excitement and interest, both inherently for trying to capture the "contemporary history" of the pandemic in real time, and for the kinds of analyses possible (e.g. seeing the fluctuations and contradictions of people's rating their week's mental health together with their narrative accounts, some saying they had not posted for a while because they were feeling low or depressed, but now felt they could come back to it). Also there was interest in how to handle what is becoming a vlds (very large data set) and issues of archiving. Interestingly the writer Stephen King had a piece in the NYT this morning on his thinking process for developing a film on the pandemic, a need to focus narrowly to capture what will be memorable in the future. In this case he wanted to explore Zoom life and its claustrophobia, but not exclude live action. The device is a couple who normally would be separating but because of COVID have to stay together, but whose prior work identities are no longer so all consuming. Learning that big department stores in London had moved out all their most expensive stock fearing riots, he devised a plot about planning a heist at Harrods (something to do together?). He says, "When reality offers you such an unusual dislocation of what is normal, a situation that no one has been through before, it can be quite gleeful to write about — it’s like stepping on fresh snow." https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/02/movies/locked-down-anne-hathaway-chiwetel-ejiofor.html So it makes me think: (a) what story nuggets that can endure over time in memory are contained in the Journaling project (and can on access them, whose property, etc.); and (b) what short stories, television, film, etc. creative writing will be generated that ethnographers could use for analytic clues in the Journaling Project. This week is the beginning of Phase 2 of the COVID vaccination roll out: all who are over 75 are eligible, but neither [of my health providers] actually have any vaccine yet. In Somerville a clinic has been opened for those who are disabled or otherwise will have trouble with access; others are asked to wait. Otherwise, this week has also been one of a beginning of the national political reflections on January 6. Gun toting, conspiracy theorist Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga), apologist for 6 Jan, who has endorsed a murder threat against Nancy Pelosi has been stripped of her committee positions with eleven Republicans joining the Democrats; Trump has rejected an invitation to testify or be deposed for his impeachment trial to begin next week and is caught in the cross-hairs of not conceding the election but his lawyers having to argue that his main defense in the trial is that he is no longer President and so can no longer be impeached ; and the first big Biden legislative effort (Rescue America -- COVID relief) has been pushed through using the budget reconciliation provision (requiring only a majority to pass bills that can be shown to have an effect on the budget -- vote along party lines was broken by our new Vice President, Kamala Harris.
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Almost a year into the pandemic, and my anxiety has soared to new levels. I have also developed panic disorder. While I am grateful that I have the means to access medicine and care to help control my symptoms, they are ever-present. I am not afraid of being sick. Rather, I am afraid that those around me will not do the right thing to mitigate the spread. I know everyone has "covid fatigue " and wants to return to some sort of normalcy, but the disregard for others ' health and wellness is depressing. I am witnessing people's breaking point in real time.
February 9, 2021
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Snow day for the kids yesterday (and remote learning today) after the big winter snowstorm. Since last spring I've kept a stack of these "daily schedules" up on the fridge with a clip magnet, just in case. Even though yesterday was supposed to be a full day off, I had the kiddos make a bit of a plan to give some structure to the day. After weeks and weeks of these, they put up no resistance and had no trouble planning. Here's what our little one pulled together, in what his teacher has encouraged him and his classmates to confidently describe as "kindergarten writing": - color - snuggle - snowman - tinker (i.e., tinker time -- pull stuff out of the recycling bin and build buildings a town) - Grandma - playtime - watch (shows on the ipad) - watch - watch I think the kids hit them all ...
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
This has been a hard week in some ways because the weather has made it hard to do things outside and also some of my friends haven't wanted to meet up in person because they are scared of Covid. My birthday is coming up at the end of this week and I don't think I will be able to get some friends together. It makes me kind of sad because I was hoping to maybe get a group together for outdoor dining, but doesn't seem like people are up for that. I'm also a bit worried about my social life in general and my dating life in particular. Hasn't been very easy to meet people or socialize and I feel like it's starting to get to me, like I'm wasting precious time in terms of getting on with my life.
February 9, 2021
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Talk about anyone you're especially worried about during the pandemic, and what you’re worried about.
I'm especially worried about my mom and step dad. They both have COPD. They're retired and don't go out in public other than for necessities, but I am worried about how severe it would be if they got it. Granted, I have known other people their age with respiratory problems who had very mild cases of COVID. I guess you really just never know.
February 9, 2021
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¿De que manera el coronavirus le está afectando su vida en este momento? Cuéntenos sus experiencias, sensaciones/emociones, y pensamientos.
Las cosas siguen tranquilas en mi familia El virus sólo nos a afectado en la distancia, ya que constantemente queremos hacer una fiesta o reunirnos para hacer una carne asada, pero resistimos a la tentación y resguardados nuestra energía en las llamadas constantes para comunicarnos. Mi situación económica parece mejorar ahora que he conseguido un trabajo de medio tiempo, y en la comodidad de mi hogar, he recibido mucho apoyo por eso. Falta poco para poder entrar a la universidad, aunque de eso es lo que menos he pensado, todo el tiempo me la paso diciendo que extraño las clases presenciales, pero, como siempre, debo acostumbrarme a esta nueva normalidad. Muchas sorpresas se están planeando para el próximo año, así que ruego constantemente con que las cosas se tranquilicen , dudo mucho que todo se resuelva hasta entonces, pero deseo que tengamos mucha más posibilidad de volver a nuestras pasiones y ambiciones. Con las medidas sanitarias, claro está.
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Coronavirus has caused me to become more angry. As much of an introvert/extrovert I am, more introvert, being inside has not been as great as people made it out to be. I haven’t been able to go outside like that. I don’t like being home anymore with my parents because they’re driving me insane. ... Being home has caused me to have to do more when I don’t want to. it’s getting to the point where I can feel my mental health declining due to the fact that i’m stuck inside looking at the four walls everyday. my parents won’t let me go outside or hang out with family or anything. i’m expected to just sit in the house and act like everything is fine, when it’s not. I haven’t seen my boyfriend since the beginning of March and I just want to be able to live my life. It comes down to me not being treated as an adult despite me turning 19 in Sept. I would just like to be anywhere that isn’t here dealing with these people who still look at me like a child. i’m still being monitored like i’m 8. the money in my bank account doesn’t belong to me. because my mother started my bank account, everything in there is hers and I must consult her before I make a purchase of even a penny. I am sick and tired of being locked in the house like i’m some type of animal. like i’m being sheltered from a world i already know the dangers of. I don’t understand why I must continue to be treated like a child but coronavirus has just brought out the worse in my parents and everything. I hate being home and I wish I had somewhere else to stay. I don’t want to be here with these people but i’m stuck here with nowhere else to go. at this point, as selfish or whatever it may sound, I’d rather be homeless than live another day in this house. that might sound dramatic and me being angry but i’m done with this.
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
... The record temperature recorded in Death Valley of 130 degrees F reminds me not to forget to feel despairing about the climate crisis. The pandemic has made everything feel like it's falling apart 8/19/20 Wildfire smoke from up north, and it's raining ash. Air quality monitors say unhealthy for sensitive groups/orange first thing today. By 1 pm it has crossed into Unhealthy (red). We're so lucky not to be in the middle of the fire, but our strategy in the past was to close the windows even in the heat and to wear a valved mask outside. Now I just feel hopeless enough about the future (keep pondering the fact that my injury keeps me from having the colonoscopy I should be having now, and knowing my own history and my family's, that makes it super likely I will die of colon cancer at some point -- is this just pandemic depression talking?) that we're just keeping the windows open so we don't get so hot, and going about life pretty normally except that S won't go running. Y and D had to evacuate to a hotel farther south with their cats. ...
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
I am a healthcare worker in a trauma one level hospital. ... In the month of April we received 175 consults 111 of them died. Now that the first wave is over and the hospital is quiet, I am still terrified of contracting the disease and spreading to others. It's always hanging over me when I see patients in the hospital. I continue to wear an N95 daily- which is uncomfortable. I am not sure we can handle another wave. I am infuriated at our current administration and how poorly he has and continues to handle this crisis. I do watch a little too much news. Our lives are forever changed, between COVID 19, the continue racism and inequities, failed leadership, where do we go from here?
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
I have found myself wondering if this pandemic will last more than another 12 months - could it be two years? How will that change our whole society? It feels like we are adrift as a society - Europe seems to have it under control. Australia has hardly been touched. Canada likewise is weathering this - and the cases have EXPLODED in most of the country. Our state, Connecticut, seems like a little raft in a sea of disease - and as the CNN folks said this evening, it can all come back. Learning that antibodies don't seem to last long was a hit as well. Our president is inept, the economy is reeling, and we have no idea how long this will reverberate. It is scary. But then, I just turn back to my own work, writing, gardening, sewing, cooking, cleaning, repainting rooms, doing zoom with friends, calling family ... watching an evening mystery series, reading, sleeping and then starting over again. It is a strange new world.
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Corona has severely exacerbated the deficits/struggled in my life. I’m a single mom who had little help before; now there’s no help. My kid was having some behavioral struggles; now those are full blown daily disasters. Work was tough working with the homeless as a social worker; now it feels impossible and I can’t ever leave work in time. I felt like I was just barely treading water; now I’ve been drowning. Every day. Over and over again. I felt isolated and struggling to find community; now I am completely isolated, on our own island with just the 2 of us. I struggled w confidence about being enough for my kid and knowing what he needs; now I feel hopeless and helpless about those same things. I worried about the political splits in our country; now those seem concretized, as even a pandemic can’t get us to treat each other as human. I used to rarely cry; now I am constantly on the verge of tears. I used to feel alone, worrying about me being the only one to put me and my family first; now I know that’s the case. I am so much better off that most people and was ok with just grimly hanging on, getting through every day, and now every day feels like forever.
February 9, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
We're double masking now. A year into this and we're double masking. I thought we'd have the virus under control to have some semblance of normal life. But we can't count on each other to do that here. America the free. I have a private office downtown - very low risk, no shared elevator, just a walk up in an old building. I still only go in to check mail and water plants. I continue to be blessed with work, as does my husband. He, however, was already someone with a tendency to self-isolate. He rarely leaves the house to begin with. I am someone who needs alone time. I don't get it. But then, who does or who has in the past year? I have grown so tired of his inability to attend to anything that isn't emanating from a device, that I write long private missives in journals where I scream and rant and rage. He hasn't asked about my father in a week. My father - my favorite human in the world and who has done nothing but support and be interested in my husband. My father who is in convalescent care after a hospitalization. How does a week go by without inquiring? He sees me sullen at the sink one evening and says "What's wrong? Work stuff? Family?" I said, "It's been a rollercoaster week with my dad, since the care meeting on Tuesday...." He looks at me blankly. "...I told you my brother and I had a care plan meeting with the entire staff...on Tuesday?" His response: "Is this the part of the conversation where you make me feel small for not having remembered something?" He turns it on me. He turns it the fuck on me. I text my best friend. She says, "Well. that would be the appropriate response, for him to feel small, because it's outrageous to forget." Wish I'd had the presence of mine to say as much to him - instead, I walked away. Never did get an apology. Per an NYT opinion piece about Michael Goldhaber - a physicist? anyway, he popularized the notion of an "attention economy" over 20 years ago. He believes that every single action we take is a transaction - so it's a zero sum endeavor: when you pay attention to one thing, you ignore something else. I have been the something else ignored for so damned long. The pandemic has made me question why I've acquiesced to living like this for so long. I do everything - truly everything other than taking out the trash snd recycling every week. Everything else is me - shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, budgeting, prepping our taxes, fixing/painting/patching/repairing. Every. Goddamned. Thing. Why have I done this for 20 years? Why should I keep doing so? What am I getting out of this relationship? Sure, there is love and affection there, when pressed, but the actual attention? The partnership? Nope. Not there. Jesus Christ.
February 10, 2021
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Some people are feeling intense feelings right now as a result of the pandemic. Is anything making you especially sad, angry, or hopeful right now? If so, what's on your mind?
I feel angry that I have to make a decision if I want to leave my house or not because some people think wearing a mask infringes on their right to free choice! but what if they get covid and have to quarantine themselves? Then they will wish they wore a mask!
February 10, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Noticing this week that some people like me are enjoying adapting to meeting on zoom, for others the technical side or the weird impersonal feeling are hard. In my pain group we had an interpersonal explosion this week that I think would have been different in person. Plus we have a bigger, more consistent group than when we met in person and I think that is pushing us toward greater intimacy and different kinds of conflict. Grateful that all these kinds of support are available to us over Zoom -- pain group, grief support group.
February 10, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Right now. Right now feels like every other minute of the day, of the week, of the month. Right now feels like forever. ...Right now feels so long and without any end in sight, without a change. Right now wants to be soaking up this newborn, born in the height of the pandemic. Instead, right now is negotiating relationships, controlling emotions, managing emotions, providing; interestingly enough, not for myself but for every one else. Right now feels like a missed opportunity; constantly grieving the loss of time with just [my baby] and my own loss of time.
February 10, 2021
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Talk about your experience keeping this journal. Has it had any impact on your health (including mental health) and well-being?
This journaling is turning out to be a godsend--after some weeks not having much to say, I am finding myself really needing to pour out my thoughts and feelings, amid the hope provided by the new vaccines, the frustration at their slow (and too often ill-designed) rollout, and fear that by the time they get around to me, new variants of the virus are going to render the vaccines largely useless.
February 10, 2021
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Photo Sketch 1: Caption: Jan. 4, 2021. (corrected year) Covid 19 days. I couldn't reach H. Not home, Refused, Deceased, Moved, Call Back, Wrong Number, Do Not Call, Disconnected. Cancel. Save & Next Call. It's often lonely and monotonous volunteer work --- maybe out of 60 calls, I reach 5-7 voters, over 2 1/2 hours. Photo Sketch 2: Caption: Jan. 6, 2021 (corrected year) Reverend Warnock wins his Georgia Senate seat! The first black Senator for Georgia. Covid 19.
February 10, 2021
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¿De que manera el coronavirus le está afectando su vida en este momento? Cuéntenos sus experiencias, sensaciones/emociones, y pensamientos.
La semana pasada celebramos el cumpleaños de mi hijo. Aunque cumplió 27 años, pedí un pastel de un personaje de comic que a él le gusta. Creo que él también fue flexible y amable en tomar con entusiasmo un pastel un poco infantil para la edad que cumplió. Para esta ocasión, nos reunimos varios miembros de la familia ampliada. Éramos 8 en total. Con algunos no nos mirábamos desde mayo. Fue una reunión agradable y cálida. En estos tiempos nos damos cuenta de lo mucho que nos hacemos falta entre nosotros. Aunque nos vemos en reuniones virtuales o hablemos por teléfono frecuentemente, el hecho de reunirnos en torno a una mesa y comer juntos es una especie de comunión que une, alienta y nos conecta. Hicimos todo lo posible por mantener el distanciamiento social que establecen las normas para evitar el contagio de coronavirus. Aun así, nos reímos, conversamos, intercambiamos ideas y opiniones. Estuvimos unos para otros. Fue una reunión "oasis" en un desierto que nos pide estar aislados, distantes. Al despedirnos, queda un calor especial en el corazón. No solo celebramos la vida de una persona porque sabemos que la vida en sí es difícil y hay que celebrar cada avance que logramos, también celebramos que, aunque somos personas imperfectas, con muchos defectos, somos capaces de comprendernos, de amarnos y aceptarnos.
February 10, 2021
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How is the coronavirus pandemic affecting your life right now? Tell us about your experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Because I have an old iPhone that I use for journaling, I disconnect the WiFi button when I am not using the internet. Turning it back on today, I missed seeing the routine email for this journaling project. I scrolled down to an earlier email and started reading the featured entries. It saddened me to read some entries that dealt with some people’s personal problems - their problems appear to exist prior to, but is worsened by, the pandemic. I am grateful for our good health, and good financial condition considering the pandemic. Being retired, and being confined to the home (going out only to pick up our medications or buy groceries), my husband and I are in constant company. I am glad that I like and get along with my husband, otherwise I may be one of those complaining. We continue to pray daily for the end of the pandemic. I will also pray for a good resolution of the personal problem/s of those whose entries I read.
February 10, 2021