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November 11, 2020 Photo Sketch 1: Caption: Covid days. Thought bubble: Am I spiritually paralyzed? Me today. Little sleep. Searching for Bliss always as the rain beats down. Photo Sketch 2: Caption: Covid days. Relief Biden win. Protect the vote. Pentagon shakeup. Anxiety: Thrusts of energy from grassroots hustling. More phonebanking...Georgia. The largest social movement in history BLM. (After note: As I look at these sketches now (Jan. 26, 2021), I'm reminded how I grew up in a culture that always emphasized strength and overcoming difficulties --- but I was falling apart in these sketches. I thought that was important to sketch. I want these recordings to be truthful, and not distorted by "how we should handle" multiple crisis. I was exhausted.)
February 5, 2021
The more highly contagious strain has reached our state. Washington state still has not gotten their stuff together about getting out the vaccine. When I am finally vaccinate I fear being worked to death due to being short staffed. It will be difficult to wear a mask for a full 5 hour shift. Guess I’m more worried and bummed then I thought?!
February 5, 2021
Soy una madre de 2 hijos: una niña de 12 años de edad y un niño con autismo de 14 años. Vivo con ellos y con mi esposo. Mi trabajo es docente universitaria pero no estoy ejerciendo porque la universidad en Venezuela está paralizada, no cuento con los recursos (conexión a internet ni fondos para pagar datos móviles debido al bajo sueldo) para dictar clases. Basicamente esta es la razon por la cual la Universidad está paralizada. Estoy enfocada en ayudar a mis hijos en sus actividades escolares sobre todo a mi hijo con autismo de 14 años. A pesar de su condición es muy inteligente, aprende rápido y necesita mucha orientación de mi parte para prepararlo para su futura vida independiente. Sin embargo, no lo estoy haciendo y me siento culpable por ello. En este último mes de vacaciones escolares practicamente lo dejé a la deriva, le deje mucho tiempo libre y ocioso aun sabiendo que no es lo más aconsejable para él. Siento que corre el tiempo y no esta aprendiendo las habilidades básicas para la vida. Yo en lugar de aprovechar todo el tiempo libre que tengo para apoyalo y orientarlo, prefiero dormir en las tardes o en las redes sociales, siento mucha flojera y no me dan ganas de hacer nada. Cocino porque no vamos a morir de hambre pero es muy fastidioso. Lo mismo me sucede con mi hija de 12 años, la estoy dejando que pase mucho tiempo en las redes sociales, por lo general vigilo lo que está haciendo pero no me esfuerzo mucho, confio en lo que hace. Sin embargo, le propongo hacer actividades distintas y no quiere, está demasiado pegada a las redes sociales que ya para ella no existe más nada en el mundo. Siento gran culpa de lo que esta pasando con mis hijos pero sé que debo cambiar y asumir un papel más activo en su educación
February 5, 2021
Not sure whether our neighborhood grocery store was just waiting for stock to come in or what, but whatever the reason, a Sympathy section devoid of cards is a pretty intense thing to see right now -- especially while you're shopping in a mask and trying not to touch anything unnecessarily or go the wrong way down the aisles.
February 5, 2021
The pandemic is affecting my life many ways -- but, in other ways, not really at all. That probably sounds like a really confusing sentence. I will try to explain... My grandmother turned 101 yesterday, and I am trying to stay positive and to be grateful that we were able to join the beautiful celebration for her at her assisted living via Zoom. But, I would have done anything to have been able to see her and celebrate with her in person (and, at 101, I wonder if she will ever get to celebrate another birthday). Besides my grandmother's birthday celebration, which was a one-time event, the way in which the pandemic most affects me on a day-to-day basis is the lack of decent childcare options. I have two little kids -- a 2-year-old daughter and a 5-month-old son -- and current circumstances have pushed me into being a stay-at-home mom. But, I am also an child psychologist in independent practice. I test patients on the weekends and spend my evenings and free moments working on reports and patient communications. It is a lot and I have been feeling very stretched thin. I love getting to spend quality time with my kids, but once we are on the better side of this pandemic and childcare becomes somewhat more accessible, I think the QUALITY of that quality time will be a lot greater. Mainly, I cannot wait to have more say over what my day-to-day activities look like, and to have more time to myself (that isn't devoted to childcare or my work as a psychologist). In other ways, the pandemic lifestyle suits me fine -- it is even be a "beard" for some of my sedentary tendencies (e.g., not wanting to go outside at all on a cold or snowy day, not wanting to run errands, feeling tired and not wanting to get together with friends). My husband is AWESOME, but I know that he would love for me to be like, "I'm going to take the baby on a long hike!" and that is just not me. Like, at all. So, "safer at home" has given me a cover for not doing certain things that I do not like to do (but feel like I should do). I am trying not to get too upset or too bent out of shape over things that are temporary (and hint: everything is temporary!) The pandemic is NOT forever. I am halfway to being fully vaccinated -- as a psychologist, I was able to receive my first shot last week. I do feel hopeful that things will change, for the better, before too long. I was saying to my husband the other day -- just like the Great Depression permanently shaped the people who lived through it (like my now 101-year-old grandmother), I am positive that this pandemic is shaping us too. Exactly how remains to be seen, but I am positive that it is happening.
February 7, 2021
We got an appointment for the second shot. Yay!!!! I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
February 7, 2021
The image is from the Government of Bermuda Facebook page today. I am extremely lucky to be here. Today I went in to the town of Hamilton, the capital and only city on the island. I had to see an ophthalmologist this afternoon and after my eye doctor appointment I went into the local department store and got some carry out for lunch. I sat down at the Bermuda Underwater Exploration Institute, and looked out over the bay. Then I walked the 2 miles back home through the Botanical Gardens. Everyone i town wore masks. All the businesses require you to use hand sanitizer upon entering, and signs tell you to keep your distance. Bam in November the numbers were high here....over 200 active cases and the minister of health said last night she felt that they almost lost control of the virus. But now the numbers are down. They still require masks in stores, or where you can't socially distance, there is a curfew...can't be out after midnight. Indoor bars are not open. I still continue to be very careful and keep my social circle very small.
February 7, 2021
My sleep is disturbed, but I am lucky to be able to take daytime naps.
February 7, 2021
I have both good news and bad news. It all depends on how you view the happenings of the past week. A young man (teenage high school student) who was hired to work with us as a waiter quit. He claims that he had to go get tested for COVID 19 because he had been exposed. The good news? The rest of us get more work hours. I can use more work hours. I need the money for bills. The bad news? The rest of us get more work hours. We all get less time to do whatever we do when we are not working at the restaurant. We also get left wondering if he exposed us.
February 7, 2021
Food is the source of the restaurant industry. A restaurant lives and dies by the way that supplies are procured. A national chain has no differences a small local restaurant. With no food to serve, there is no way to make money. In a national chain, the food comes in from central warehouses. It is also partially prepared, so that the recipes, ingredients and sources stay secret. But shortages become obvious when we have to tell customers that their favorite dish is not in stock right now. What I cannot determine is if the shortage is related to COVID or something else. At this time of year, a lot of vegetables and fruits get imported from Mexico and South American countries while it is the summer growing season in the Southern Hemisphere. And, in the last federal administration, these imports were restricted due to the pandemic. But items from these areas are still available at the grocery store. So, is it the pandemic or did the restaurant manager underestimate the traffic this week? It’s hard for me to tell. Only one food shortage that I have seen in the news affects the restaurant that I work in. One of the items on our menu is spaghetti. A national report noted that less spaghetti has been made in recent months because of a limit to the amount of durum wheat (used to make spaghetti). This wheat flour has been diverted into the manufacture of a pasta called bucatini. Bucatini is hollow and long, like a drinking straw. Early reports last spring suggested using bucatini instead of plastic drinking straws in order to save the planet. Looks like the idea caught on. Regular spaghetti pasta is now in short supply.
February 7, 2021
My son went back to school yesterday and well, I feel really sad. I've written a lot about what a gift it was to have him home for six months when he took time off from school, and now he's gone back for the spring semester. I'm happy he's happy, but the house feels very empty and I feel really sad I won't see him until maybe June! He's only 300 miles away but his college has a strict no-visitor policy--the students aren't even allowed to leave campus. It's also his birthday next week so I've conspired with his girlfriend, who goes to school with, and will be arriving on his birthday, to pick up some sweets for him. Anyway, it's just sad. Sometimes I think I spend too much time being angry so I don't have to feel sad. Yesterday, with my son and daughter, we drove to NYC and back in one day from Washington DC. It felt very surreal. We buzzed into the city, and got some NY pizza and bagels, dropped him with his ride to go the rest of the way to his college, and then she and I headed back out to the NJ turnpike. There were TONS of people everywhere in NYC walking around--maybe because they'd been inside with the snow--??--but you'd never know there was a pandemic (although most people were masked). Anyway, it was nice to have time with my kids (even if just in a minivan on the highway) but it was sad to go to NYC too, because we were in the neighborhood where my dad and stepmom lived for 30 years--my father died about 6 years ago and then my stepmother last year, so it was weird being in their neighborhood without them. We all felt sad that they were gone, and that our family can't gather the way we use to, and how strange it was that they never knew about the pandemic. My father, a lawyer, never even had to experience the Trump years, which probably was just as well because Trump would have made him insane. But driving through their neighborhood made me really sad, saying good bye to my son, talking with my daughter who has become completely cynical this year...just a big day of sadness. meanwhile, we are in a strange place where my husband and daughter have both gotten the vaccine (they are eligible--nurse and teacher) and it will be months before I do. I don't care, I don't want to cut the line--I'm healthy, I work at home, etc...but I worry that they will get lax, so I have to keep reminding them that I have zero protection. I hope we can make it through the next few months until the rest of the vaccines become available. I am, of course, completely worried about these new variants. I don't trust the US public to be safe--and here we are, on the verge of beating this thing back with the vaccinations and the lower case counts. But what's going to happen? People are going to have Superbowl parties and stop wearing masks and then we're going to get swamped by these more contagious variants and we'll get set back months and months. I just wish Biden or Fauci or someone would go on TV and broadcast this every night: Stay home. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Just wait it out. We are almost there. Don't fuck it up, America!
February 7, 2021
Late December and early January are weeks of trying to comfort our best friends, D and V, as D's beloved father, H, is hospitalized with COVID. Food, flowers, wine, puzzles, more food - left on the porch with a quick knock and a wave through the window. How can we not be inside with you, cuddled on the couch and processing and reminiscing as this all transpires? January 15. H is gone. COVID ravaged his lungs. Hospitalized since before Christmas, he could not survive outside of a hospital. This fit, healthy, 69 year old man now gone. Of all our parents, the least likely victim. Funeral on January 23 consists of watching the private family mass from our phones while in the procession line that will afterward go to the cemetery for the burial. It's a very cold day, indeed. G comes up from CT for the funeral. His car breaks down somewhere in Massachusetts and he takes an Uber the rest of the way. His own father is here in rehab but has recovered from a cardiac issue and is about to be discharged home. G can't believe that it is H we are burying and not his own father, who is 20 years older and hasn't been well for some time. G asks after my father. Shakes his head. The night before, on January 22, my father was rushed to the hospital by EMT, after his home health aide found him on the floor and unable to lift himself up. Hospitalized, 800 miles away, with symptoms of COVID. Rapid test in hospital says no, but fever, low oxygen, exhaustion are his symptoms so we don't believe it. Particularly given H tested negative twice in the week before he was hospitalized...and now he's gone. Monday, January 25. My husband receives a call from G, who has returned to CT. His father was in deed discharged to home that morning, and G spoke with him hearing how absolutely thrilled he was to be home. Hours later G received a call from a neighbor who had gone to check in on him. Dead. Watching TV. January 31. Remote funeral #2. My husband's two best friends have lost their fathers within a week of each other, and his beloved father-in-law is very ill. And we can't be together during any of it. We can be present, but not really together. I hope like hell that we do not accommodate to this way of grieving. "Together" alone.
February 7, 2021
Wow. The whole GameStop short selling thing is absolutely amazing. I completely support the cause of the wallstreetbets Reddit boys, and I live for the fact that it really shows us not only who the rich people and Wall Street brokers care about, but it also shows us what the mainstream media cares about. Don't get me wrong, I'm a registered democrat who voted for Bernie in 2020, but I can't believe how even the originally reputable news sources are trying to spin the whole story in a way that incriminates the individual traders and tries to claim that what they did was 'illegal' in some way. It definitely clearly shows how the people truly have power, and we can't trust media that's funded by big organizations with corporate business motives and conflicts of interest. The whole event also seemed to unite a lot of people as well, and I even bought an AMC stock the other day in support of the cause! It was mostly a sign of support since the stock was only $14 (and I've already lost $6 of value since then), but since I can't really bring a sign into the street that says "We like the stock," I figured that making a little dent in the wall street broker's plans and buying some cheap stock in hopes of another short squeeze that'll give the corporate wall street market manipulators a bit of a shock. As I've seen in many memes since then, rich people always say to 'invest' and 'make your own wealth,' but as soon as thousands of normal people start playing their own game they start to backpedal and cry fraud. How suspicious.
February 7, 2021
December 10, 2020 Sketch photo 1: Caption: Covid days. To not let my reading slide - I plan to read this tomorrow (Sophocles' Antigone) and to take notes with post its. But M. and I did complete last touches on my tutoring website. I want to get lost in a book again. Sketch photo 2: We stay in. Order from Fresh Direct. I take quick jaunts to stores for necessities. Record breaking deaths from Covid. New death numbers each day. 300,000 lives so far. Unlike so much -- Covid is "not fast moving content."
February 7, 2021
We live in a small town with a centralized downtown that often attracts nearby towns to our community. My neighbors are important to me. A few werks ago I shared my neighbor’s photograph if an owl who was sitting in a tree in my yard. My neighbors who have tiny toddlers are important and moved in just before the first baby was born. After the mini blizzard hit Connecticut, I texted them - and we now share the same plow service! Our driveway is quite libg and circular so we found a fabulous plow service - he is meticulous - and now will plow our young neighbor’s driveway too! I try to text everyone in our area and up the road during storms - making sure we are all safe & that help is always here. 💙💙💙
February 7, 2021
My studio attached to our converted barn has two skylights. Today as I was part of a Creative Tribe on Zoom, my husband climbed up on our roof and cleared a foot of snow off my art studio skylights. I realized how as a couple we try to clear off our emotional sky lights each day during a 100 year pandemic and a Congress that was stormed by a mob! We need clarity and truth shining through to us each and every day as we await our vaccine shots. BTW my husband and I mark forty years together this coming Summer.
February 7, 2021
I went to a restaurant with my dad, brother, sister and their spouses. I am seeing a woman and visited her after dinner. She was not pleased that I (we) went out to a restaurant. I understand her concern. I have obeyed all health guidelines and have not contracted the virus nor has anyone of my family that I dined with. I know that we need to restrict our movements and contacts and limit groups of people. It's very interesting how different intelligent and reasonable people have different attitudes to the virus and the restrictions that are in place to diminish it's spread.
February 7, 2021
As a student, connecting with my classes can sometimes be hard. I do have a roommate, who is my brother, so I am thankful that I have someone so close to be around that I've grown up with. My dad has COVID right now and he has a lot of the symptoms, but thankfully they have been manageable. He cannot work from home because he works in law enforcement and my mom has had to work from home as well. She is a teacher and sometimes struggles to connect with her students over zoom.
February 7, 2021
La semana pasada fui a un sitio donde había concurrencia de personas. Por supuesto, que iba bien protegida para evitar riesgos. Sin embargo, la ansiedad que siento todo el día, todos los días, es abrumadora. Empiezo a sudar, me falta el aliento y mi corazón se acelera. Un ataque de ansiedad, de esos que se han vuelto familiares desde hace un par de meses. Más que miedo por mí, me da miedo por mi familia. Me gusta confiar (quizás ingenuamente) que si llego a contagiarme de COVID, saldré adelante. Soy joven, me ejercito, no tengo enfermedades crónicas y mis estudios sanguíneos regulares son excelentes. Pero mi familia, no. Mis papás tienen comorbilidades, mi papá es hipertenso y diabético y mi mamá tiene cardiopatía. Mi abuela vive con nosotros y no me perdonaría contagiarla. Todos estos pensamientos invaden mi mente y de pronto el fantasma de mi ansiedad comienza a crecer hasta que siento algo en el pecho que me impide respirar. Durante estos meses de pandemia he perdido a dos familiares, mi abuela materna y mi prima. Ninguna murió por COVID, pero de igual manera la pérdida sacudió a toda la familia y mi miedo a perder a alguien más aumentó de forma exponencial. Es mucho estrés y me desespera no saber cuándo pasará todo esto.
February 8, 2021
I just wrote about sleep. I am an excellent sleeper if you let me. The pandemic does not affect my sleep, my children affect my sleep. I am usually mentally and physically exhausted and so when I lay down, I am out. Until the pitter patter of tiny feet make their way to our bedside or until J. needs to nurse or someone has a nightmare about pickles, or volcanoes, or, the ever dreaded puked in my sleep wake up. I’d say we are averaging 4 hours a night... I’d prefer a full 12:)
February 8, 2021