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I joined a new social justice group as though to scap myself back together from the hostile work environment from a previous social justice organization that I dedicated 10 years of my life to. I feel bittersweet as I nostalgically look back at what I have done for them, how I have grown and had to leave to flourish in a new community And so, here I am now, reconnecting with a religious church, with an upcoming social justice group formed back in June 2020 and yet I feel like I can do so much more with my own curriculum development as a doctoral student. So much within the unknown and as my eyes struggle to stay awake from exhaustion, tears, and tiredness that drag me down as I push myself to complete more. Social media has reinforced the notion that I will eternally be enough to never be enough. The constant internal battle I have with myself, about having to maintain my femininity by being think, to idealize marriage and my own body's capabilities to have children.. I find myself lost in the social constructs within our society I am stuck between a red and blue pill just like the matrix. Only this time, the blue pill is a hoax like our president; made of something that can fill me up and be processed through to continue the lie we all live in. The red pill is the only option to sustain my bloodflow as I learn new things about myself.
October 28, 2020