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Future? What future? My "plan," which wasn't really a plan but simply living my life was to continue working 12 hours a week at a job I love. My "plan" was for my daughter to attend school in school without a deadly virus killing hundreds of thousands of people. My "plan" was for my husband to work at his office, not from home. My "plan" was to continue seeing my therapist four times per week, in her office, not via zoom as I have for the past 5 months. My "plan" was not for my anxiety to increase to a point where I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks with intense worry I will never see my therapist in person again. The train tracks next to the ocean represents a danger too great for a human to have to navigate. Can you hear the train coming? Can you stand back and wait or do you go for it and jump across, closer to the sea? I'm at the point now where I am jumping over those tracks with all of my might, unsure how close I'll be to the ocean, unsure if there is more possible danger there. I will decide my future with whatever power I have. I will control MY PLAN, and fight like hell for my future, my life.
August 24, 2020